Being a gay person in Christendom (although a lot of Christians would argue that I am not IN christendom because I’m gay, in fact I talk to them a lot). I sometimes doubt my faith. (SHOCK HORROR!). Well, I don’t think I’m doubting my faith, I think I’m doubting that I could ever be good enough for God, EVEN WITH JESUS.
I mean, what if the fundamentals are right? What if actually God is really homophobic, that he has this really cruel joke where he makes people gay and then judges them for it, he wants me to be alone but even being alone for him won’t be enough?
What…worst case…if I am doomed to hell because I fell in love with another boy when I was 15?
What if all this is in vain, all the hours I’ve spent serving and loving him is worthless because actually he can’t see me through the rainbows that are flowing round my head?
But you see, sometimes when it’s just me and him, when I’m just praying and telling him how angry I am with him he has this habit of getting close to me. Sometimes it’s like he’s right here in the room, like the Christians who push me away with their scorning bible verses are simply pushing me further into his arms. He has a way of making me feel at peace. That I’m ok with him and it will be ok in the end.
I know I’ll never be good enough for a lot of Christians. But I don’t think that matters too much to Him. He’s more interested in my faith, in my trust and my heart, in wether I love my neighbour as myself and love Him.
If I meet someone. How will God feel about that? How will I cope? How will He cope? What will my friends say? Perhaps it’s easier just to be alone but perhaps the easy path is not the one that is best for us.
So Jesus, if you fancy a cuppa I’ve got a lot to talk about with you.