(yes, this is fake news)
The Church of England has decided that LGBTI issues and marriage are just too difficult to deal with and has decided that fasting is a far easier subject to get their heads around. This is the process of going without food and sometimes drink for several days to spend time in prayer and meditation.
A number of groups in the church responded to this announcement by beginning their own research.
The right wing church immediately went to every part of the old and new testament that had anything to do with fasting. They proposed a new liturgy was formed prayers for the start of a fast, during a fast, when you feel tempted, when you are very tempted, when you have “sinned” and broken your fast.
They decided that the correct time of fasting was for 40 days as that is what Jesus did (this was put forward by one of the “if it’s good enough for Jesus, it’s good enough for me” brigade), a test team of fasters went to the closest wilderness they could find to have a shared conversation amongst themselves, this turned out to be a shopping centre just north of Slough. This did not include any Bishops or Arch Bishops as they had “too many public commitments involving food”.
Sadly, this experiment ended badly, 4 of them decided as they were reading about Jesus time in the wilderness to throw themselves from the top of Primark. Unfortunately they failed to turn the page to read that Jesus actually told the Devil he wasn’t going to do this.
At the end of the 40 day fast, the remaining 2 fasters, who didn’t seem any worse for wear, were proven to be frauds thanks to the use of the CCTV cameras bought for Bishops to ensure that Gay clergy were not being involved in anything they shouldn’t have been. (This plan was actually shelved as the cost of a CCTV team and finding anyone wanting to watch what two gay vicars were up to was prohibitive, apart from an American TV channel which offered to pay for the privilege with a series “Gay Vicars”).
The left wing church wanted to advocate a modern “night fast”, this meant that you would say the liturgy proposed by the right wing church (yay, agreement), and then go to bed, then finish your fast in the morning. Luckily if you had that cheeky slice of cheesecake you’d been saving durning the night you could pray the proposed prayer and everything would be cool. However, the Bishops did point out that Clergy who’s lives needed to be harder than everyone elses, should perform a “cut down” 40 day fast, this making the right wing church “kind of” happy.
Then was one person who claimed to be left wing but decided to go along with the right wing church because he was deeply narcissistic and enjoyed more the looking down on those on the left than his own suffering.
A group called “OneBodyOneBread” (sorry guys), decided to protest outside the Synod at the discussion of the shared conversations, which basically was a series of slap up meals for bishops to write a document that didn’t really make anyone happy. One of these protesters was approached by a right wing member of Synod who told her she was going to hell with her “tea towel food eating gluttonous scarf”, to which she responded “will I need my scarf? or do you think it will be warm?”.
Surprisingly another “group” emerged who called themselves the “silent middle”, these were the undecided, the loved the right wing “put ’em to death, they are all going to hell” rhetoric but felt saddened for the people on the left who were constantly bullied by the right and were conflicted over the whole thing. They didn’t want people to break the fast but knew some people had dietary needs which mean they would die if they did actually do a 12 hour fast. They felt it was unfair the Clergy were treated differently from the laity especially since some of the laity were obviously struggling with gluttony.
After 3 years of shared meals. Everyone had put weight on. The right wing felt more “righteous”, the left wing felt more “left”, the middle people, well they are stuck somewhere on the M4, not sure wether to cut across to the M40 or not.
Oh and one poor bishop is still trying to figure out how to work the microwave.
Jesus was last seen headed to a gay bar in Leicester Square holding his head in his hands and muttering something about “4 horsemen of the Apocalypse”.
(by the way, the Bible says way more about fasting than it does homosexuality).
Love to all
Sorry if I offended anyone (sorry, I’m not really sorry)
PS Check out http://www.onebodyonefaith.org.uk/ if you are interested in issues about human sexuality they are WONDERFUL, loving and helpful. If you are LGBTI and struggling please contact me and we can chat. I’ve been there.