Archive for March, 2012

Was it worth it?

Posted: March 30, 2012 in Uncategorized

I have to ask myself sometimes was it worth coming out. I know at the time I was not ready to come out, it was a huge step to tell anyone what I was. It turned into a hugely traumatic event for everyone including my family, which I regret deeply. My family, of course, is gone now. My ex-wife and the children live away from here, we are actually good friends and I have the children at weekends.

I have friends, well they were friends, from previous churches, they heard all kinds of stories about me, but they just can’t accept that I’m gay. Some of them won’t talk to me.

I wonder what would have happened if I’d have managed to keep up the charade. Perhaps, at least then I would not be alone like this. Although I have some wonderful wonderful friends, I like many LGBT people feel really alone. I’m kind of scared of getting hurt again but deeply crying out for the intimacy of a relationship, but still being afraid of what people think of me, or have thought of me. I know people say that they don’t care what other people think, but deep down we all need acceptance, if you are an LGBT person thinking of coming out, don’t do what I did,  make sure you have a support network in place JUST IN CASE the people you love the most can’t deal with it initially. Sometimes they take time to come round.

I wish I was straight, I really do, I wish my marriage had worked out but it didn’t, it’s not coming back, it’s 2 years now, but part of me struggles to move on.

So come on God, what now?


Every Gift carries a message.

Posted: March 26, 2012 in Opinion
Tags: ,

On Sunday I spoke at my church about gifts, and how each one carries a message.

Someone once said, there is no such thing as a free lunch, although this is not true, there is such a thing as a free lunch, even such a lunch carries a message.

What gifts can mean:-

  • I love you
  • I am trying to show that we are as good as xxx who also has one of these
  • I’m sorry
  • I want to make my peace with you
  • It’s Christmas and if I don’t get you something  you will be hurt
  • If I don’t buy you this you will continue to nag me for it
  • I’m hoping you give me something back
  • I want to prove something
  • I miss you
  • This gift is only part of a bigger picture, if you want the bigger picture, well you’ll have to buy it
  • I forgive you

So why not, next time you give or receive a gift, think about what the giver really meant by it. (sometimes, actually, it’s better not to ?!).

God gave us Jesus, and that is one awesome message. Check it out sometime.

What is marriage?

Posted: March 21, 2012 in LGBT Issues

Continuing my impromptu series on marriage, I have been thinking more about it.

Marriage, in fact, is a celebration of something that has already happened. When someone wants to get married, surely all they are doing is confirming that they want to spend the rest of their life with another person. They make a public declaration of their love for another person, formally, and then a commitment for life, in front of witnesses.

Before Marriage was invented, I suggest people  would just move in together, just commit to each other, perhaps we don’t really need the government, the church, or anyone else to give us permission to marry and to live together forever, in a committed and loving relationship. For, where possible, life.

Marriage, really, in reality, lets face it, is not some kind of “Holy thing”, there are many marriages that are, in fact, completely unholy, horrible, abusive, Marriage is not Holy. Holy means, set apart for God, it’s not set apart for God, it was created for man, it’s not a sacrament, nowhere in the Bible is it ever seen to be. It’s a structure, a desire, an agreement and when it goes wrong, it’s replaced by another desire and agreement and sometimes a lot of pain.

Perhaps some people are scared of gay marriage, because they worry we will do a better job, better flowers, tasteful design, arty music and beautiful love. Marriage you see, even if there is “gay marriage”, won’t be gay, it will just be a confirmation of what has already happened. After all, we don’t have a “Gay lunch”, my food doesn’t become gay because I eat it, or my car gay because I drive it, it’s just food, it’s just a car.

What is certain to me, is that LGBT people are no less precious to God than straight people, and, in fact, LGBT  people like straight people sometimes need structures to help them function in healthy relationships.  Not to regulate our relationships and tie us up, but to provide security and commitment for both partners.


I really empathise with the guy in the video I posted yesterday about Gay Marriage, and frankly, he says on it how it makes him feel uncomfortable the way he is being judged for his lifestyle, for something he has not been able to choose. I completely agree.

Last Sunday, the Vicar at my church (who actually welcomes LGBT people, and loves us) (but not in that way) had a discussion and I did not go to this, I did find it, actually, really uncomfortable, actually it triggered all the feelings of rejection that I spent my whole life battling with, the feelings of self loathing because despite prayer, my best efforts and trying really hard, I never managed to choose to be straight (and hurt a lot of people especially those closest to me in the process).

This week, if he has the same discussion I will go along, and stand up, and explain that frankly, I have listened to the arguments on both sides and I’m tired of this discussion, I am tired of being judged for what I am. If the church wants Marriage as some highly super thing for straight people who can have children only, then that’s fine with me. If they want to make out it’s some kind of miraculous cure for the world’s problems, fine. It doesn’t seem to have done such a good job so far.

To be honest I can understand why a lot of LGBT people choose to be atheists, because they believe that following Jesus simply, is not an option, that he would never welcome them in to his arms, the church has created so many barriers, and although many within the church have broken down those barriers, they are still there and re-inforced by the leadership at the top of this bumbling old elephant.

I agree with the Archbishop, that the church is a treasure, like a treasure, for some, it is too much to carry. Thanks very much but I’ll just carry my cross, it is not fashionable, it does not look good, but I can bear it.

What is love?

An interesting video, the guy says what we feel.

Dear Archbishop,

Posted: March 11, 2012 in LGBT Issues


Your letter, sir, says that marriage is for the procreation of children, I hope then, the Catholic church and Anglican church bans people who cannot reproduce from being married, to be completely fair. That includes people who are infertile, or disabled. You may as well discriminate against them as well as us while you are at it.

Marriage never has been a natural institution. It has been molded by culture and government. It seems you have ignored history and that marriage has not always been between one man and one woman.  (Polygamy?)

You are saying that if we are not married, we are some how, not as good as those who are. I sat in my church today whilst people in the church passed judgement on me in a discussion of gay marriage (which I kept away from, it was held in the lady chapel). I felt awkward and unhappy, frankly, I felt like walking out and never returning.

I expect one day, I will be thrown out of the church anyway. Either because of a change of leadership or simple because the leadership of the church has decided that LGBT people are not welcome any longer.

I am so grateful for the people that spoke to me in my church today, that affirmed me, especially the lovely lady who sits behind me every Sunday and the Vicar.

This is not about Gay Marriage, this is about people, real live people, with feelings and hopes, and dreams, and pain and love.  Just because a sheep is not white, it is still a sheep.

Do I really have to live my life alone? Am I really not welcome in the church? Do you really honestly think that if I commit myself in love like David and Jonathon in the Bible to someone, that I will damage society, or perhaps, it is loneliness and isolation that damages society?

Best Wishes,