Christianity for the doubter.

Posted: July 16, 2012 in Me and Jesus

Being a gay person in Christendom (although a lot of Christians would argue that I am not IN christendom because I’m gay, in fact I talk to them a lot). I sometimes doubt my faith. (SHOCK HORROR!). Well, I don’t think I’m doubting my faith, I think I’m doubting that I could ever be good enough for God, EVEN WITH JESUS.

I mean, what if the fundamentals are right? What if actually God is really homophobic, that he has this really cruel joke where he makes people gay and then judges them for it, he wants me to be alone but even being alone for him won’t be enough?

What…worst case…if I am doomed to hell because I fell in love with another boy when I was 15?

What if all this is in vain, all the hours I’ve spent serving and loving him is worthless because actually he can’t see me through the rainbows that are flowing round my head?

But you see, sometimes when it’s just me and him, when I’m just praying and telling him how angry I am with him he has this habit of getting close to me. Sometimes it’s like he’s right here in the room, like the Christians who push me away with their scorning bible verses are simply pushing me further into his arms. He has a way of making me feel at peace. That I’m ok with him and it will be ok in the end.

I know I’ll never be good enough for a lot of Christians. But I don’t think that matters too much to Him. He’s more interested in my faith, in my trust and my heart, in wether I love my neighbour as myself and love Him.

If I meet someone. How will God feel about that? How will I cope? How will He cope? What will my friends say? Perhaps it’s easier just to be alone but perhaps the easy path is not the one that is best for us.

So Jesus, if you fancy a cuppa I’ve got a lot to talk about with you.

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Comments
  1. celticbishop says:

    I have been there waiting for a cuppa with Jesus so I know of what you speak at least somewhat. I am no theologian in fact I don’t trust most theologians but if there is anythng about this faith we call Christian that is absolute and absolutely true it is the belief that only Love is of God so if we meet a boy in our case a boy and we love him and he us, God is present fully and Incarnationally! Even if the chap does not love us in return does not negate the presence of God for Love is of God from God and is God! This is what Jesus is saying over and over again. Love is intimacy that far exceeds senses and it is not absent of responsibility nor is it license and in our culture we forget that way too much. There is a difference in being in love and being in heat though the two may blend a wee bit or more! You are of great value and on one can deny you that not even when they think they are speaking for god.

  2. Alan Bainbridge says:

    Very good Paul, I like it. Alan.

  3. I just want to wrap my arms around you and give you the biggest ((HUGS!!!)) ! and let you know that God loves you, and whatever sins in the eyes of God, mankind has commited from ANYBODY are paid for by the Son of God who cares and loves all of us!! Our ‘ticket’ has been paid for. We need only accept it. Our problem is not that God does not accept us. Humans are the ones with the ‘accepting’ problems. God has already accepted us, we just need to accept Him. Don’t worry, just be who you are!! God is so so so much bigger than any human being or even the bible can box Him into! He loves you!!! Always remember that, my brother in Jesus! Lots of love, Jill Faucher-Ross

  4. lovelynjlady says:

    I just want to wrap my arms around you and give you the biggest ((HUGS!!!)) ! and let you know that God loves you, and whatever sins in the eyes of God, mankind has commited from ANYBODY are paid for by the Son of God who cares and loves all of us!! Our \’ticket\’ has been paid for. We need only accept it. Our problem is not that God does not accept us. Humans are the ones with the \’accepting\’ problems. God has already accepted us, we just need to accept Him. Don\’t worry, just be who you are!! God is so so so much bigger than any human being or even the bible can box Him into! He loves you!!! Always remember that, my brother in Jesus! Lots of love, Jill Faucher-Ross

  5. lovelynjlady says:

    oops, it came up twice! lol! You’re very welcome

  6. Jane De Ath says:

    Just keep chipping away at that wall and eventually it will come tumbling down.
    There are lots more of us Christians, who are also chipping.

    • Paul C says:

      Yes and I know myself and other LGBT people owe such a debt of gratitude to those straight allies who stand with us 🙂 Thank you so much.

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