Having a crisis of faith…is sometimes how we truly find God.

Posted: September 3, 2012 in Me and Jesus

I would not class myself as a strong Christian. In the sense that what I thought was my faith has taken a battering over the last few years, my long held Evangelical views that made me into an abomination before God, destroyed by a fresh discovery of Christ’s grace and that those scriptures with which I had condemned myself didn’t actually mean what I thought they did unless I took them out of context.

Context is such an important thing when trying to understand Scripture. How can it say You shall not kill in the 10 commandments and yet the Israelites killing their enemies?

So, why a crisis of faith? I suppose my crisis of faith is not in fact a crisis of faith in God, but in the church. The confusion of living in an environment where the Sheep and Goats seem so much more visible (I think we all have a bit of goat in us actually). In fact even through the times where church was not a place I felt I could go, I always prayed.

I can understand why so many LGBT people don’t attend church or enjoy the fellowship of other believers.

1.  Churches often say hurtful things.

The fundamentalist Christian part of the Anglican movement are often making loud noises about how bad Gay people are, how we will destroy their marriage, or their society. But this is simply not true, if we were going to do that we would have done it by now, not with marriage either.

2. The hate levied at you often makes you over sensitive to “comments”.

Some members of the Church were talking about going to Spring Harvest, well within 5 seconds I was googling how Gay friendly Spring Harvest is, it makes me feel like a second class Christian as does the fact that I could never marry in the Anglican church that commit so much time and energy to.

On Sunday in church we were talking about putting a welcome banner across the front and I suggested adding a rainbow, I was told it would be subtle. SUBTLE!? really? I had a chat with Revd’ Rob about it, he made some very good points, but we are trying to be a welcoming church to everyone in the community. That includes LGBT people, muslims, hindus, gays, straights, fat people, tall people, short people, the list is endless, so we would never have a banner big enough to identify each one.

3. You always wonder what people think of you because you are gay.

I have a quite a few brilliant Christian friends who know I’m gay and love me as I am. But there is always the wonder if I look around the church what would they think if they knew? In a way I wonder if they do, I often have a rainbow guitar strap, but that only really means something to people who understand.

I suppose one of my big mistakes during my life is to put my trust in the church and not God completely.  When the scaffolding of church is taken away from our lives, only God is left. But when it comes back you don’t need the scaffolding any more as much. Instead you become part of the scaffolding in others lives. Church, when functioning properly is like a mutual building site. Paul the Apostle likened it to a body with its many parts.

Is it important that everyone in the church knows I’m gay so I can feel truly accepted? Yes and no. If it wasn’t an issue for some Christians then ofcourse it wouldn’t matter. But because it is an issue for some Christians, who probably think they don’t know anyone who is gay. Remember I spent most of my  life fearing that people would find out the truth about me. The greatest fear was those in the church and that still carries on even though I am open about my sexuality.

I think if some of them read this blog they would die a horrible death.  (I know they wouldn’t but this is how it feels). See that’s not probably true, but that’s how it feels.

It would be so much easier to go to a “proper gay church”. But you know then nothing would change out here in the Anglican forest and I have some really close friends at my church two or three people who I actually trust, (trust has been a hard thing since I was outed by a Christian).

So there is my crisis of faith, It’s not really a crisis of faith at all. It’s a crisis of church.




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