Does God love me?

Posted: April 14, 2014 in Me and Jesus
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I have been struggling with this question for years. For the straight person it is easy to assume God’s love for them.

What I think “The Church” thinks.

I think that some of the church is cool with me and some of them hate me. The ones who love, really love, the ones who are not sure want to love but have been told by “someone” they can’t but feel awkward about it and the ones that hate, well they REALLY know how to reject someone.

I hear repeatedly (just listen to LBC radio), I’m a sinner, I’m an abomination, I’m not “natural”, I commit the unforgivable sin, I can change and become straight. Even though I live alone with my cat and hardly see anyone.

I still remember vividly when my church decided to have a discussion on Gay Marriage in the lady chapel at church. I did not go, I found it incredibly hard as I was sitting over the other side of the church. I felt like they were all discussing my life as if I was on trial.

Frankly, I don’t think the Church really believes half of the things it says. I mean no one gets stoned to death for committing adultery?

I wonder what Jesus would say to the church about this whole thing.

What I think Jesus thinks.

Jesus, this is much more awkward.

What do I know about Jesus? Jesus condemned the religious for shutting the gates of heaven in mens faces by all their rules.

Jesus, he loved outcasts, after all, he was an outcast, he was born away from home, he was an immigrant in Egypt, he hugged lepers and healed them, he reached out to everyone, I wonder what he would say to me?

Perhaps he might not be so interested in my sexuality? Maybe God actually would love someone like me. I mean why would he create me and then punish me for being who I am?

Would Jesus allow me to be in love with another person? Would Jesus celebrate love I had for another person even if he was the same sex as me?

Well, it was well known that the Roman Centurion, quite a few of them were Gay and Jesus healed his “servant”. I mean, if you have a servant and he’s sick, you get another one, don’t you? Why did the Roman Centurion journey all that way to meet some Jew, perhaps his love for the Servant was more? I mean, the greek word, so I’ve been told COULD mean lover?

So what if God does love someone like me? Does he think I’m second class, not quite good enough like the church thinks, does he think, as Archbishop Welby recently said, that Gay people should be sacrificed so that violent people will not hurt Christians?

I wish I didn’t have this nagging doubt. Every time a Christian says again that I’m an abomination to God. I wish I could some how break through this.

If I could at least “touch the hem of his garment”, perhaps no one would notice. I don’t take communion in church.  I would tell people it was because I could not get married in church but in fact it was something else, that deep down I feel second class, not quite good enough as far as the church is concerned. I am awkward, like a piece of furniture that does not fit in. That old rug, or odd chair that you just can’t get rid of.

I often think it would be easier not to go to church at all. Easier just to live my christian life alone, after all I do a lot of the time. But you know I just hope one day I will be able to feel that God loves someone like me.

The Striving

What feeling inadequate before God does actually can just lead to depression, for me it does as well but also striving, the thought that perhaps if I do OTHER things to impress God he can overlook the one thing I can’t change.

Does God love me?

Not sure.

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