Archive for February, 2017

(yes, this is fake news)

The Church of England has decided that LGBTI issues and marriage are just too difficult to deal with and has decided that fasting is a far easier subject to get their heads around. This is the process of going without food and sometimes drink for several days to spend time in prayer and meditation.

A number of groups in the church responded to this announcement by beginning their own research.

The right wing church immediately went to every part of the old and new testament that had anything to do with fasting. They proposed a new liturgy was formed prayers for the start of a fast, during a fast, when  you feel tempted, when you are very tempted, when you have “sinned” and broken your fast.

They decided that the correct time of fasting was for 40 days as that is what Jesus did (this was put forward by one of the “if it’s good enough for Jesus, it’s good enough for me” brigade), a test team of fasters went to the closest wilderness they could find to have a shared conversation amongst themselves, this turned out to be a shopping centre just north of Slough. This did not include any Bishops or Arch Bishops as they had “too many public commitments involving food”.

Sadly, this experiment ended badly, 4 of them decided as they were reading about Jesus time in the wilderness to throw themselves from the top of Primark. Unfortunately they failed to turn the page to read that Jesus actually told the Devil he wasn’t going to do this.

At the end of the 40 day fast, the remaining 2 fasters, who didn’t seem any worse for wear, were proven to be frauds thanks to the use of the CCTV cameras bought for Bishops to ensure that Gay clergy were not being involved in anything  they shouldn’t have been. (This plan was actually shelved as the cost of a CCTV team and finding anyone wanting to watch what two gay vicars were up to was prohibitive, apart from an American TV channel which offered to pay for the privilege with a series “Gay Vicars”).

The left wing church wanted to advocate a modern “night fast”, this meant that you would say the liturgy proposed by the right wing church (yay, agreement), and then go to bed, then finish your fast in the morning. Luckily if you had that cheeky slice of cheesecake you’d been saving durning the night you could pray the proposed prayer and everything would be cool. However, the Bishops did point out that Clergy who’s lives needed to be harder than everyone elses, should perform a “cut down” 40 day fast, this making the right wing church “kind of” happy.

Then was one person who claimed to be left wing but decided to go along with the right wing church because he was deeply narcissistic and enjoyed more the looking down on those on the left than his own suffering.

A group called “OneBodyOneBread” (sorry guys), decided to protest outside the Synod at the discussion of the shared conversations, which basically was a series of slap up meals for bishops to write a document that didn’t really make anyone happy. One of these protesters was approached by a right wing member of Synod who told her she was going to hell with her “tea towel food eating gluttonous scarf”, to which she responded “will I need my scarf? or do you think it will be warm?”.

Surprisingly another “group” emerged who called themselves the “silent middle”, these were the undecided, the loved the right wing “put ’em to death, they are all going to hell” rhetoric but felt saddened for the people on the left who were constantly bullied by the right and were conflicted over the whole thing. They didn’t want people to break the fast but knew some people had dietary needs which mean they would die if they did actually do a 12 hour fast. They felt it was unfair the Clergy were treated differently from the laity especially since some of the laity were obviously struggling with gluttony.

After 3 years of shared meals. Everyone had put weight on. The right wing felt more “righteous”, the left wing felt more “left”, the middle people, well they are stuck somewhere on the M4, not sure wether to cut across to the M40 or not.

Oh and one poor bishop is still trying to figure out how to work the microwave.

Jesus was last seen headed to a gay bar in Leicester Square holding his head in his hands and muttering something about “4 horsemen of the Apocalypse”.

(by the way, the Bible says way more about fasting than it does homosexuality).

Love to all

Sorry if I offended anyone (sorry, I’m not really sorry)

PS Check out if you are interested in issues about human sexuality they are WONDERFUL, loving and helpful. If you are LGBTI and struggling please contact me and we can chat. I’ve been there.


The Mystery of the Rainbows

Posted: February 15, 2017 in Uncategorized

Well it’s been quite a few days. Despite me actually being ill and spending most of them in bed asleep. Last night I managed to get myself to the “Rainbow Reception”, a wonderful evening. Some people nominated me for it.

Today, the General Synod voted to REJECT the Bishops’s statement blocking any movement toward same sex marriage in the church and treating LGBTI people as second class (at best) citizens.

Meanwhile this happened outside (before the vote).


Now – I am the sort of person that likes patterns in things – try this…

After the pulse Nightclub shooting a rainbow appeared, some people said the rainbow actually went INTO the club.

Okay let’s try another one

Over Dublin, Ireland a pair of rainbows appeared when gay marriage was voted in.



Here’s another one

(not as I good, I get it)

But how about this



I’m going to look for more examples and update this page.

I’m not saying anything but this is all quite coincidental…..or maybe someone is saying something….



Open letter to synod members

Posted: February 12, 2017 in Uncategorized

Dear Synod Representatives,

I am writing to you in response to the Shared Conversations Document published by the Bishops.
I know that you are about to have this document to “take note” of it but I would like to make my views known as a gay person who is also a Christian and has served faithfully in the Church of England for Many years.
I have grown up serving God and the church. I currently play in the band  along with others and try to help in anyway I can. However, I find it strange to understand that if I was to meet someone and want to get even a blessing from the church, just a prayer for us, it would not be allowed. Considering that a straight couple who never goes to church can receive the full blessing in church. Not wishing to sound like the prodigal son’s brother, but I would want the church to be involved in the whole of my life, including my relationships. Pretending that I simply don’t exist is just not good enough.
I would like to agree with the retired bishops who have stood against this document for the following reasons:-
  •  I don’t believe, although it has been called “Shared Conversations” that any LGBT people have actually been spoken with.
  •  The church was never commissioned by Jesus to marry anyone anyway, Jesus never performed a wedding, neither did his disciples. Why the church thinks it has a mandate from God to marry people I have no idea, let alone decide who or who not may be married or prayed for.
I would like to say that I have found the whole affair incredibly painful. It is not just about not being married in church, but the complete rejection that I exist and there is nothing wrong with me.
I did not choose this. No one would choose to be gay and put up with such rejection.
I am so glad that my church s is welcoming to LGBT people and we have our own LGBT group but this sort of attitude from the bishops really hinders our work. To be honest it is shutting the Kingdom of Heaven’s doors in our faces. I have been in the last weeks so close to simply walking away from the Church of England, sadly, I already know one or two who have had enough.
So in consideration I would request that you would refuse to “Take Note” of the report, especially with the views of the Retired Bishops. I trust you have read both things thoroughly before making a decision.
and the response of 14 retired Bishops
With my best Wishes
PS if you agree you can sign the bishop’s letter.

My Polari Translator

Posted: February 10, 2017 in Uncategorized

Dear All,

I’ve built an online Polari Translator for you to try. It’s early days yet but there are some things to note:-

  • Polari is a subset of the English language made up of languages like Romany Gypsy, french, spanish, german and a whole host of others – so if you put a phrase in and get something that looks like English back it maybe because I’ve simply not got any polari words for what you say. So you will find sometimes you’ll get some polari words in your response.
  • There is no definitive authoritative work on this language as it’s a “gay” language used to protect ourselves in times of fear or trouble

Anyway Here’s the link

Click Here! (new window)



Belittled by the Bishops

Posted: February 9, 2017 in Uncategorized

Now that the Church of England’s “Shared Conversations” (i.e. not listening at all) is out I thought I’d talk about how it feels to be reduced to someone with “Same Sex Attraction”

As far as the bishops are concerned I have no capability for a long term loving relationship that means anything. Only straight people can do that. I am just same sex attracted. Perhaps they think it’s a phase? One that’s lasted 38/39 years (trying to think when I first realised that I wasn’t like other boys, I liked other boys, I just wasn’t LIKE other boys).

I worry though about the youngsters growing up in the CofE. I know a few, who are LGBT. Their model is basically being pushed underground, being told their relationships are invalid by people who think that God gave them some right to marry people. God didn’t, Jesus didn’t, it’s my firm belief that The Church should not be marrying people – it is a civil duty, a legal contract, then perhaps the church could pray for a blessing on those married.

Incidentally did you know that churches cannot even pray for people who are in a same sex relationship. Unless they are praying for them to split up ofcourse. I know this sounds anti-christian but that’s basically where it’s at. Even praying for a same sex couple could put a vicar in trouble. Even worse if he or she were to pray in our language!

The damage this causes to LGBT people is huge. Having to live constantly feeling second best. The Church must change. It changed in so many other areas. Allowing divorce, etc etc. Instead of destroying it should build up.

If God is so against LGBT people why doesn’t he just fix us in the first place?  I didn’t choose this, no one would choose this you’d have to be mad to choose pain.

Sometimes being truthful and honest about yourself, is accepting the pain that goes along with that.

Jesus never said it would be easy, he just said he’d hold your hand.


Another nail in the coffin?

Posted: February 4, 2017 in Uncategorized

Not many people know but LGBT people have our own language, it’s called Polari, it’s a secret kind of slang that would help us identify other LGBT people and talk with them without putting ourselves at risk.

So these students decided to do a service using our secret language.

The Church of England however have decided that our language is unfortunately not good enough. Yet again it desires to control even the prayer lives of LGBT people – it’s not enough to control our relationships.

I am ever nearing the door. I hate it, but I don’t know how I’m going to cope with church tomorrow, it’s not my church, this is not St John’s. But St John’s is part of what this is.

Perhaps I have come to a different place now.

For those who are interested there is a Polari translation of the Bible Here.

The word for God in Polari is Gloria.


Jesus never commanded or performed a wedding himself. He told us simply to love one another and go into the world and preach the good news. As far as we know, the disciples never performed weddings either. Unless they were magistrates. Why, because it’s a legal construct not a spiritual one. Jesus in fact went on to say that there would be no marriage in heaven.

Marriage has been redefined for centuries, there is no definition of marriage in the Bible in fact. The Bible is so unconcerned about marriage that it doesn’t even give a ceremony for marriage or instructions on how marriage should be performed. However there are clear instructions on sacrificing animals.

Gay people have been allowed to be married as well in different cultures for time immemorial. Ofcourse the term “Gay” is quite a new one, prior to that they were called Eunuchs (see my piece a few weeks ago on that!). (Roman Emperor Nero married Pythagorus, you know, the sum of the…etc), the Samurai, greeks the list goes on.

So why does the church want to control marriage?

  1. Control of marriage means control of relationships.
  2. Control means money
  3. Control, yes it’s control oh and money might have something to do with it

Of course in the church of England a vicar who even prays for a gay couple can be subject to discipline. That’s how much the bishops hate the thought of someone who is LGBT being in any kind of relationship. They want to control us, they want us to live alone, rejected and sad as second class Christians.

I give way more to the church than a lot of people in time and energy and yet I am worse than a bank robber in the bishops eyes.

I’m torn.